I want to thank the Board of Game for the splendid opportunity to kill as many grizzly bears as I want in the Tok area ("State's predator control effort opens Tok area to grizzly baiting," April 6). Yee haw! My plan is to bring a film crew to the area, and my collection of assault weapons. Then I can video my first in a series of wildlife carnage movies, "Grizzly AssaultÃ'©," where I will mow down several grizzlies at once at a feeding station. Literally cutting the beasts in half with M-60s, AK-47s and AR-15s! Think of the fun of lobbing a few hand grenades at some doughnut-stuffing grizzly bears! Then finish them off (all on video) with big pistols and machine guns, helping the state in wildlife management and doing my share. Frank Murkowski, you're the greatest!

Next, we will hunt wolves with military-style helicopters, blasting those critters with .50-caliber machine guns. All captured on video, of course, for your viewing pleasure. Think of the fun of doubling back to finish off the wounded ones (HA!) as they struggle to drag themselves away with two legs! If there are pups, we can land and finish them off at close range with .44 Mags or play kickball with them for further enjoyment!
Best of all, I'll make millions selling this wildlife entertainment on tape and DVD to serious-minded hunters who are after a little fun. Alaska, you are the greatest. I love this state. Anything goes and nothing matters. What a blast. Thank you, Alaska Board of Game!

Joseph Sebastian / Kupreanof